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I Need a Valium

It seems that “Floating Spheres of Death” resonated loudly with a few of you. Good. Because now you know a little bit better what it is like to be me. Mommy would be a lot happier if Dr. Zibners wasn’t constantly reminding her of the imminent and grave danger that existed all around. To listen to her, it’s a miracle that Zoe and Eva make it through the day. Think I’m exaggerating? Between choking hazards, poisonings, burns and falls, I’m exhausted.

Good morning, little girls! How’d we sleep? Oh, wait, no Eva, please give Mommy back the plastic baggie. We don’t chew on that. You could choke. It’s for your diapers. Zoe! Get back here. We’ll go up the stairs in a minute. Together.

Breakfast, Ladies! Zoe! We do NOT put an entire bagel half into our mouths. Seriously.

Come on, let’s get dressed. Wait! Eva! No, you cannot have any more toothpaste. I’m sorry, go ahead and throw yourself around the room in anguish. (Fluoride poisoning. Acute: Vomiting and diarrhea (mild) to seizures and death (severe). Chronic: bony abnormalities)

Eva! How did you undo your straps? Get back in your stroller. If you don’t let go, I’m going to duct tape you to that seat! (Ok, I wouldn’t really. Don’t send social work.)

Look girls! We’re at playgroup. Wait! Why are there whole grapes and apple slices out for toddlers? Good Lord. Here, have a rice cake. Zoe do not try and eat what that little boy just spit out! Ugh.

No, girls, Mommy doesn’t want to. Sand is annoying and gets into everything. Plus the sheep like to go poo poo there. (I’m serious. Sheep poop in our local sand box)

Zoe! Get your finger out of your sister’s poopy diaper! (Fecal-oral tranmission: Giardia, Hepatitis A, Rotavirus, Enterovirus, etc. Not to mention it’s disgusting. And socially inappropriate.)

Bathtime! Eva! If I have to tell you one more time, do not play with that spout. (3 seconds at 140F is a 3rd degree burn. I turned it down to the recommended 120F but we’re waiting for the plumber to install the temper device or whatever he’s bringing. 120F is still pretty hot.) And Zoe! Sit! Sit! Everyone sit down! No hitting!

C’mon guys, let’s get dressed. We’re going to a party. Eva! Please don’t climb up there. Mommy hasn’t installed the safety straps to fix it to the wall. Get down.

Get your fingers away from that socket! Get! Shoo!

Hey look guys! We’re at the party! And there is a crèche for little kids. Do you want to go in? Oh, crap. Balloons. Never mind.

Dr. Lara Zibners, Feb 08, 2011

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