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Little People, Big Ears

I learned yesterday that my best friend from residency has breast cancer. This makes my current diatribe on the value of peas versus carrots seem silly, doesn’t it? She found out 2 days ago. She has two little girls, 4 1/2 years and almost 2. It’s early and we don’t know yet the exact staging and what needs to be done, but being doctors, it’s easy to over think the situation and assume the worst. So we had a good long chat on Saturday. Her biggest worry is obviously her children and what to tell them. It got me thinking and I gave her some advice (solicited, for once!) that I think I’ll share with you because it applies whether we are talking about cancer or about the neighbor’s new hair-do.

Kids are really observant and often more clever than we give them credit for. I think it is an insult to your 4 year-old to assume that she doesn’t know exactly what is happening around the house. If there is a new baby coming, she knows it. If Grandpa gets a hair transplant, she notices. If Mommy doesn’t eat lunch because she’s watching her weight, chances are her 3 year-old will pay close attention. Personally I believe that you should always assume your children are slightly more tuned in than you are and give them the respect that such close attention deserves. I hate it when people talk about their kids who are sitting in the same room as if they aren’t paying attention. They are.

So I told my friend to forget the “sit down serious talk.” Either her daughter will be freaked out beyond reason or she won’t even understand what the big deal is. The only thing that will accomplish is making everyone stressed and upset. Instead, I suggested that they let her ask questions as she needs and just make this part of their everyday conversation. Don’t hide it, but you certainly don’t have to give her more information than she is ready for. She’ll ask, no worries. Whatever the situation, your kids will take their cues from you when it comes how to act and what to think. So Mommy’s boob got sick and has to get taken off. Big whoop. Mommy will get a better set later.  (And oh, yeah, that’s the silver lining!) Whether it is good news or bad, be honest with your kids and give them information that is developmentally appropriate. Of course I also recommended that she call the pediatric oncology department and get the name of their team psychologist so she can have a therapist at the ready. But I think (and I pray) that the whole family is going to be just fine and this will someday just be a “something we once went through.” And having gotten that off my chest, I know you can’t wait to find out what Eva thought of carrots! Life does go on, no matter what we have to deal with.

Dr. Lara Zibners, Apr 11, 2010

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